A Mother's Responsibility

HOST: The birth of a first child is always an adventure, both joyous and frightening. For Ed and Annette Bailey, the birth of their firstborn was especially exciting because at the time they were living in Italy.

ED BAILEY: Kate was born in Piza, Italy almost in the shadow of the leaning tower. Born in 1970 we had been in Italy for some time. This was before the time when they had fathers in the delivery room. So they wheeled her down the hall and escorted me to a waiting room. Then at a certain point the nurses called down the hall, "Senore Bailey, you have a beautiful little girl!"

HOST: Ed naturally assumed that they would get to raise daughter, Kate, and second born, Erin, together. But tragedy struck just a few years later. Annette was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Ed says that as Annette's death grew closer she worried most about leaving her daughters.

ED BAILEY: She had very strong feelings about what her role was as a mother and that it just wasn't time for her to leave her children without completing her job in her mind as a mother.

HOST: Annette wasn't able to resolve this conflict until the very day of her death.

ED BAILEY: She said, "I have really talked with God about that a lot and now am convinced." Much of the time leading up to that she still was fighting and persuaded that somehow something was going to happen and was going to change. But that last day she said, "I am really now at peace with that; I have turned over my girls to God and I know that he is going to take care of my daughters. I have done everything that I can do."

HOST: Annette's faith in God was justified. While Ed's second wife, Louise, couldn't replace the girls' mother, he says they couldn't possibly have been in better hands.

ED BAILEY: I think Louise has been an unusual person in being able to step in to the role of a mother. I can see in so many ways how God provided Louise to continue the work that Annette started, but was unable to complete. She did it with a great deal of grace and good humor in all of that. Of course, she has taken care of me, too.

HOST: God's love and strength were there for the Baileys in their hour of need. That same strength is available to us all.

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Fleeting Happiness

HOST: We all remember the moment we met that one special person. Ed Bailey certainly recalls his first most precious moments with Annette, his wife-to-be.

ED BAILEY: We met in college and I became acquainted with Annette through her roommate. I had dated her roommate some. Then Annette and I shared some classes together. One day I can remember looking over there and seeing her and saying, "I'm going to ask her out." One thing led to another and one day sitting in the library studying together, I proposed to her. Much to my delight, she accepted."

HOST: Ed and Annette's happiness was short lived. Persistent back pain caused doctors to suspect Annette might have cancer. Ed says exploratory surgery was performed.

ED BAILEY: Exactly where things were going depended largely on what they found when they opened her up. I can recall the surgeon after surgery coming to me in the waiting room and confirming it was malignant. The malignancy had escaped her kidneys, and it was very serious. Even though you kind of prepare to hear the worst, it was still just an enormous blast.

HOST: Annette died a few short months later. While the experience was devastating, Ed says their faith helped them face her final days with courage and confidence.

ED BAILEY: The Bible talks about the race, the journey that we make. There is an analogy with those of us walking through this life as runners in a race. Yet there are so many things that would cause you to stop and turn your attention to different directions and to give up the race. Annette did not do that. She had fought the fight; she had run the race and she won. She was a victor.

HOST: Annette's victory wasn't won through her own strength, but through the saving power of God through faith in Jesus Christ.

 

Will You Marry Me?

HOST: Are you married? If so, then you probably remember what it was that first attracted you to your perspective mate. Ed Bailey readily admits he had ulterior motives for dating future wife Annette.

ED BAILEY: I thought she was very beautiful and more than outward appearance, I thought she was a beautiful person and considerably more intelligent than I, much smarter than I was at the time. That might have been one of the things that particularly caused me to be attracted to Annette. I think one of the classes we were in together was English Literature and she was a whiz at that stuff. So I thought maybe she could help me! She really was extraordinarily intelligent person.

HOST: Ed and Annette soon married and were enjoying a rich life together. A life made richer still by the birth of two daughters. But the Baileys' lives were turned upside down when Annette was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Ed recalls the night Annette died at home in bed.

ED BAILEY: So I sat up and held her hand and actually remember it was after midnight, so it was in to Sunday that she just stopped breathing. It was actually very beautiful. Everything seemed so natural.

HOST: How could Ed describe his wife's death as seeming natural? He was troubled by this himself until after Annette's funeral.

ED BAILEY: What came to me, and I think made a lot of sense and still does to me, is that first of all she and I had become so close in living with this on a daily basis and really knowing what the progression was and our faith was very much an important part of that because to both of us our life here was not all of existence, but was merely a prelude to a continuing life or an eternal life. So we didn't see this as the absolute finality. This was not something that we wanted to see happen by any means. We wanted to enjoy each other and enjoy our family for many, many years and decades, but there was our faith in the beyond that was important to us.

HOST: Faith that sustained the Baileys in the face of death. A faith available to us all. A firm conviction that Jesus Christ is God's son and rules on both sides of death's door.

 

Wedding Day Disaster

HOST: Every wedding seems to have its moments of high drama. For Ed Bailey and Annette, his college sweetheart, that moment came when Ed failed to arrange for a blood test in time for the ceremony.

ED BAILEY: As I recall, we were beginning to be a little frantic because all of our relatives had already come into town. The place was all prepared, everything was all set, and the only problem was that we didn't have the marriage license. We could not get that without the blood test and it appeared that was going to be weeks off.

HOST: A local hospital took pity on the forgetful groom and the wedding took place as scheduled. After a few short years of marriage, the Bailey' faced another crisis, this one not at all humorous and not so easy to remedy. Annette developed a terminal cancer and died in less than a year. Ed recalls that his early morning jog was the place he did his grieving.

ED BAILEY: I can remember morning jogs and runs. I was often reduced to a continuing flow of tears and anger over the changes that were taking place in my life. That's a little bit selfish, but that's part of what was happening. We had a life together and that life together was being taken away. Yet I was the one that was left to take care of our daughters and go on with life and I certainly was feeling cheated in all of that.

HOST: While Ed and Annette struggled with her approaching death, they were careful that their anger and confusion didn't separate them from each other or their faith.

ED BAILEY: Certainly Satan is trying to do that, trying to get us through whatever experiences that we have. An attempt to deny God and turn our back on God even though God is not turning his back on us. But for us, Satan would have us turn our back and deny God. Annette did not do that. She had fought the fight. She had run the race and she won; she was a victor. I felt myself celebrating her victory rather than mourning her loss.

HOST: A victory that can be celebrated throughout eternity and a loss that will be mended when the faithful join Annette in Paradise.

 

Happy Family Memories

HOST: We all look back fondly on those special moments with family. Ed Bailey recalls an especially memorable vacation with his wife, Annette, and their two young daughters.

ED BAILEY: Back then we did a lot of tent camping. We had all that stuff strapped on top of the car and went to Custer State Park. It was a beautiful, beautiful place. The setting was what we all needed at that time. We had our tent pitched next to a little creek. The weather was very nice. There weren't a lot of places to go other than driving around and enjoying the scenery. It was a slow time. It was a wonderful family time.

HOST: The family's happiness was shattered when Annette was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Ed says Annette spent her last night enjoying those special memories.

ED BAILEY: We gathered everybody around Saturday night and went back through all the family slides and snapshots and pictures that we had. No one was particularly thinking her death was eminent, but it was a matter that we were there all together and it was something that we did. We looked at all those slides of our life together, the times we spent in Italy and the family times and the travel that we had done.

HOST: You might suppose that Annette's death would have caused her to question God's love and mercy, even his existence. Ed says just the opposite was the case.

ED BAILEY: All of us go through some very, very stormy times in our life and it is very easy to become discouraged. We do not know what's going to happen to us, we are afraid and all of that is normal. We don't know how big the storm is or how long it will last. I suppose that having experienced or gone through some of these storms in my own life that it does reassure me that God continues to be the ruler over all the universe. Because it's in that that we not only are looking toward the day when we are leaving behind all of this. This is difficult and troublesome, but moving to a day when there are no tears, no separation, no sadness. There will be no challenges and where the storms have all passed and are now quiet.

HOST: Ed and Annette Bailey finding comfort in their faith in the midst of one of life's threatening storms.

 

Close and Closer Still

HOST: Most married couples have at least a few common interests. For Ed and Annette Bailey that shared love was for mystery novels. After a few years together, the Baileys got so close that they often read the same novel at the same time.

ED BAILEY: As soon as she would put it down, I would try to pull it away from her and get possession of the book and I would read. There was one night that we were both getting close to the end. One night I couldn't get it away from her and she read it until about 2:00 in the morning. At 2:00 in the morning I was sitting right next to her when she read the last page and I picked it up and I continued to read the rest of the book. It sounds pretty meaningless to most folks, but it was fun. We enjoyed sharing that and enjoyed playing in that way and sharing some of the suspense of a book from a writer that we enjoyed.

HOST: Ed and Annette's relationship was put to the ultimate test when Annette was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Ed says that in spite of the struggle, their relationship got closer still.

ED BAILEY: What the two of us were able to do was mourn together over her illness and what it was meaning to us and our life together. This is unlike what happens when one spouse is killed by reason of an accident and all of a sudden taken out of the family picture. This, to a great extent, was something that we could go through together over a period of months, although clearly we were having different experiences with it. Throughout all of that, I would say that we became, if we had not been already, each other's closest friend. We could really say what we were thinking.

HOST: Because the Baileys were people of faith, Ed was able to picture Annette's passing as a temporary parting.

ED BAILEY: The image that I had in my mind was that we were walking hand in hand down to this beautiful lush valley with a stream on our left. We walked up to a bridge and we embraced and it was time for her to cross the bridge. It was not time for me to cross it yet. We hugged and we kissed and she walked across the bridge.

HOST: Passing from this life to the next is a bridge we will all face sooner or later, a crossing made easier for the Bailey's by their firm conviction that a loving God waits on the other side.

 

Why Me, Lord?

HOST: The death of a spouse is a tragedy many of us will face eventually, but for some the experience comes soon rather than late. Ed Bailey and his wife, Annette, learned early in their marriage that Annette would soon succumb to terminal cancer. Ed says he was surprised at the way Annette handled the inevitable question, "Why me?"

ED BAILEY: I can recall that after she was diagnosed, of course we both went through many of the feelings and reactions that anyone would have. And certainly one of those reactions was that, "We are good people! This is not suppose to happen to us." Certainly she would have that feeling that this was not suppose to happen to her. I can remember her saying that, because we embraced a lot and cried and were just devastated by a lot of this, but I can remember her saying that, "I want to say, 'Why me? Why would this happen to me?'" Yet she said, "At the same time I also want to say, '…but why not me?' This happens to people, it's a part of the world that we live in. Why is this happening to me? But on the other hand, why wouldn't it happen to us?"

HOST: But even after answering that question to their satisfaction, Ed and Annette still faced the frightening task of dying. Ed recalls the journey was made easier by the couple's faith.

ED BAILEY: Storms are very scary for someone of great faith. For a person with deep and abiding faith in the middle of a storm you are still very, very afraid. Thankfully there can be a reservoir and there is a lifeline that is always there if we can just remember to reach out and grab it. God and his people will help us pull through those storms.

HOST: As the Bible says, "We have run to God for safety. Now his promises should greatly encourage us to take hold of the hope that is right in front of us. His hope is like a firm and steady anchor for our souls."

 

The House of Mourning

HOST: Most of us can only imagine the grief and loss the death of a spouse would bring. But Ed Bailey has already weathered that storm. His wife, Annette, died of terminal cancer within months of diagnosis. Looking back on the experience now, after many years, Ed says few of us adequately prepare ourselves for these inevitable storms of life.

ED BAILEY: When one finds oneself much in the middle of one of these storms, if you will, I don't want to say it's too late. I don't think it's ever too late, but I think what happens to one and what you do is to no small degree influenced by what has already happened and how prepared in a sense one is. I don't think any of us make preparations for the fact that our spouse is going to become ill or may die. It does have a lot to do with determining as early in life as we can. What are the things that we hold dear? What are our values? Where do our beliefs go and lead us? For Christians that have acknowledged God and Jesus and see themselves in an eternal world, then it begins to set the stage for how one is able to interpret and work through whatever the struggles that we encounter may be.

HOST: Death is a subject most of us would rather avoid. In fact, we generally will go out of our way to do so and often choose to distract ourselves with more pleasant past times.

ED BAILEY: The wise man made the observation that it is better to go to the house of mourning than it is to a house of joy. I think what he was referring to there is that it is good to spend time with those sober things in life because whether you want to or not, those things are going to hit. Unless you confront that beforehand then it is going to make it that much more difficult to confront and come to terms with it while you're in the midst of it.

HOST: As the wise man also said, "Here is the conclusion of the matter. Fear God and keep His commandments for this is the whole duty of man. Remember your creator in the days of your youth before the days of trouble come."

 

Last Moments Together

HOST: What would it be like to hold your spouse close in the final moments before death? Ed Bailey recalls the night his wife, Annette, gave up her struggle against terminal cancer. Looking back now, Ed believes Annette somehow sensed that her time had come.

ED BAILEY: She went to greater lengths that night to prepare herself for bed. I don't know why, but she did more than she normally did. She combed her hair; she was very careful about combing her hair. She brushed her teeth; just grooming herself before she went to bed. Then she climbed in bed and normally had a hard time sleeping lying flat and so had the pillows behind her and so forth. That night she didn't want to have any pillows behind her. It became apparent that her breathing was just becoming more labored and prolonged and so I sat up and held her hand. I can remember after midnight that she just stopped breathing.

HOST: As you might imagine, death has left Ed with a unique perspective on life.

ED BAILEY: There are things that are happening to all of us. We are not living in a world that is without sin or difficulty. We live in a world that is filled with a mix of joys and sadness and challenges and separation from people we love, emotionally or by physical death. Yet throughout all of that God remains consistent and persistent. He continues to remind us that He is there and He is pulling us to continue to acknowledge and flee to Him because it's in that that we not only are looking toward the day when we leave behind all of this which is difficult and troublesome, but moving to a day when there are no tears, where there is no separation; where there are no longer any of these challenges and where the storms have all passed and we all now live quiet. That is a great day. "A Great Day Coming" as the song says and a great day that is promised and is in store for us as we continue to be part of God's family.

HOST: One of the great blessings of the Christian life, looking forward to that time when we rest in God's arms on the far side of death's door.

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